POCKETWOP

MEDICI #9 AND #10!!!

2008-03-28T10:51:00.009-04:00

Well, hope you enjoy episodes #9 and #10. These are the last two Medici you're gonna be seeing.

And now, on to numero ten-o.

HA-HA! Fooled you!! And you were all worried that I wasn't gonna be doing Medici anymore. Did you cry? It's OK if you did. I won't laugh, much, at you.

No, what I meant to say was this is the last Medici you'll see on my blogger site.

That's right! Due to the not-so-exuberant volume, kind'a, of hits from my TENS of barely devoted fans, Medici is getting his own website!! So, check back soon to find out when the site is up...and also, to read my HI-Larious blogs about stuff, AND things.

Cheers!

You may now engage in the appropriate joy from the news.

-tommy

MEDICI #8

2008-03-20T23:15:00.006-04:00

MEDICI #7

2008-03-13T21:33:00.007-04:00

MEDICI #6

2008-03-06T21:56:00.004-05:00

Wall art: "La Dormeuse" by Tamara de Lempicka (1898-1980)
Check out her work, the woman kicked ass with Art Deco!

MEDICI #5

2008-02-29T10:57:00.005-05:00

Medici #4

2008-02-24T16:40:00.007-05:00

MEDICI #3

2008-02-15T19:14:00.013-05:00

MEDICI #2

2008-02-08T14:08:00.005-05:00

Click on the image to enlarge.

MY FIRST COMIC STRIP

2008-02-01T14:04:00.004-05:00

Well, here he is, Medici: a humanist that just wants to be surrounded by good shit, but rarely is. Check back for all the shenanigans this little bastard gets into...and stuff. Cheers!

Click on the image to enlarge.

THINGS THAT CRACK ME UP @ 3:10AM

2008-01-19T20:13:00.000-05:00

1) When announcing "Celebrity Clients" and all you have to show for it is Gary Busey...don't mention "Celebrity Clients."

2) Work on your pitch!

Giuseppe Franco: "I don't own the company. I don't know anything about it."

3) Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco Giuseppe Franco.... How many times can you say Giuseppe Franco in a commercial? Well, a lot apparently. This commercial cracks me up every time...and just gets better with age.

BEAR GRYLLS...

2008-01-19T19:53:00.000-05:00

is hot!

When he pissed on his shirt and wrapped it around his head in the desert episode of Man vs. Wild I came a little. I admit it. Then the pre-cum dried and my dick stuck to my underwear so when I moved it hurt. Don't you hate when that happens?

Then there was the Panama episode when a bare Bear went for a dip with the locals. You know the native ladies, and one or two of the native men (Hey, one out of ten is the statistic) were in awe of his "survival kit."

It seems Discovery Channel has no qualms about using sex to grab viewers. Last One Standing has the competitors "droppin' trou," or battling it out in a competition wearing skimpy, native loincloths. Even Mike Rowe showed off his manly physique a few times on Dirty Jobs. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the fishermen get naked and catch crabs on The Deadliest Catch. HA! Catch crabs, naked. Where do I come up with this stuff?

Yes, even a network committed to the higher learning of its viewers has to depend on selling sex. Why?

Ratings People!

And since this country considers nudity as "sex," (and it would be pretty weird if Bear up and decided to start screwing some native chick during a survival quest) then scantily-clad hosts abound! I say, "More power to'em." Frankly, Discovery was getting pretty boring anyway. I shouldn't know how To Catch A Thief. The police should. And Planet Earth was a let-down. Seriously, a ten-year-old could've written a better narrative. I felt like I was being spoken to by a zoo guide during a third grade field trip.

But, like most things in life: with the sweet come the spoils. Last night, while Bear was preparing for a cold, lonely slumber in Patagonia he revealed that his Christian faith helps him through times like this.

Huh. Go figure. After twenty-something episodes, suddenly Bear lets us know he's a Christian. I wonder why he would say…oh, I know…

Ratings People!

Yup, in the same way a large percentage of people need to know what a presidential candidate's religious beliefs are, so too do we need to know what God our survival guide believes in—apparently. Then a candidate gets elected and Bear Grylls gets viewers from the conservative, Christian demographic.

Well, I think, if it works for Bear then it could certainly work for other shows; and since the strike, the networks would really benefit from my ideas, so hopefully they're reading this. Who am I kidding? Of course they're reading this. Duh.

lll

Bionic Woman
Evil Henchman: "Your bionics aren't working. You'll never escape Jaime Sommers."
Jaime Sommers: "I might be immobile, but my Christian faith is stronger than you'll ever comprehend evil henchman…henchperson."

Ugly Betty
Wilhelmina: "Marc, did you finish sending out that treacherous information that will destroy Mode?
Marc: "Yes Wilhelmina."
Wilhelmina: "Good. Get my personal priest on the line so I can practice my Christian faith."
Marc: "Yes Wilhelmina."

Late Show with David Letterman
David Letterman: "My next guest is the beautiful super-star that is steaming up movie screens with her CGI'd performance in Beowulf.
Paul Shaffer: "She's beautiful."
David Letterman: "Here to talk to us about Christianity, Angelina Jolie."

Paula's Home Cooking
Paula Deen: "Mmm, y'all, this butter recipe is go'n make Michael Groover real happy, y'all. Now, while that's bay-kin in the uh-ven, I wanna let y'all know that my Christian faith really helps me get through the wait'n for food to bake…y'all."

Project Runway
Heidi Klum: "As you know in fashion, one moment you're in, and the next you are out. I love Jesus."

lll

Trust me, these are all great ideas and can really bring viewer numbers way up. That's why it's important for everyone to start telling the networks why you as Christians would like to know more about the faith of your favorite TV personalities. Go'head. Hop to it.

WAIT. IS THAT...?

2008-01-17T19:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I get a little confused. Maybe you do too. I've decided to put together a list of celebrities that have pulled the old fast one on me:

Rachel McAdams & Kate Bosworth: Not too long ago I kept thinking that Rachel McAdams was having a really good year starring in Red Eye and Superman Returns. Well, apparently she wasn't. Oh well. Oddly enough, both women had brown hair and plane trouble in their films.

Daniel Craig & Kevin McKidd: Back in August, when NBC began running ads for Journeyman, I was convinced that Craig was the lead. Turns out, it's the guy from HBO's Rome. By the way, they should just call it Quantum Leap. They're not kidding anyone with this title.

Amy Adams & Isla Fisher: Um, yeah, it could just as easily be Fisher in the movie Enchanted.

Ashley Judd & Diane Lane: So, I used to think that Ashley Judd was in Under The Tuscan Sun and Diane Lane was in The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Nope. It's the other way around. But it could be the way I originally thought too. They do the same types of films anyway.

Ryan Reynolds & Jason Lee: In Reynold's defense, when his shirt is off, there's no comparison to "Earl."

Tobey Macguire & Ellen Page: OK, they don't look alike...much, but they act the same. They're both incapable of opening their mouths all the way when they speak. And they both have indefinite mundane faces no matter what situation is presented to them in a scene: Look out for that car Ellen! (mundane); Happy Birthday Tobey! (mundane); Marry me Ellen! (mundane). Perhaps they both went to the same acting teacher. LOL!! Like they went to an acting teacher.

Well, there you have it for now. This list will continue to expand as Hollywood insists on plastering our theater and television screens with the same exact types of people over and over and over and over....

DIONYSUS: THAT WASKILY GOD!

2008-01-17T18:22:00.000-05:00

While it's no big secret that the ancient Greeks freely enjoyed the pleasures of man-on-man butt sex, you'd be surprised to learn how difficult it is to find all the mythological tales of such events; not only in Greco/Roman myths, but among other cultural tales as well. Particularly when the gods were involved. Alas, even in the intellectual community there's much homophobia and those tales are easily dismissed from literature.

Don't worry though because as in many other ways, I'm here to help. Yay me!

Ah-hem...

Once upon a time, the androgynous and super sexy wine god Dionysus lamented over his deceased mother Semele and was determined to rescue her from the underworld (what a good boy. Like many a gay, and some would confirm many an Italian: Dionysus loved his mommy). After receiving permission from his father Zeus to retrieve Semele, he went about finding a way to get her. He wandered the earth searching, and searching, and searching some more for the entrance to Hades, but the weary, divine dude found zilch.

Until one day, Dionysus happened upon a small town and word of his plight spread among the inhabitants. Luckily, an enterprising young man named Polymnos (who probably thought to himself, "Hey, a god in need of some assistance! This is my chance to get in good standing with the heavens and high-tail it out of this boring town!"...or something ancienty to that affect) approached the intoxicated god with the location.

However, when he got a good look at the daunted sexpot, Polymnos felt a strange stirring of excitement in his naughty giblets and offered Dionysus the information he needed, "But!" (there's ALWAYS a but) the mighty wine connoisseur would have to make a promise in return. In exchange for revealing the location of Hades' entrance, the two of them would have to perform the horizontal Olympics. Fortunately for Polymnos, Dionysus was slutty and considered this even-Steven. He agreed to get-it-on with the horny townie AFTER returning from the underworld. They shook on it and everything.

Off Dionysus went.

Now, time spent in Hades moves a bit slower than above ground and after rescuing his mama and stashing her up in Mount Olympus (obviously a much better senior citizen community than hell), Dionysus returned to the town so he could carry out his end of the bargain.

Dionysus searched the town, but Polymnos was nowhere to be found (he must've been pretty frustrated. It sucks when you're supposed to meet someone for hot sex, but they don't show up. That's some shady shit right there). Finally, the dismayed god found out that Polymnos up and died. His trip downtown took a lot longer than expected and Polymnos' little ticker pooped out.

Usually, this is the part where most people give up and feel they lucked out by not having to commit to their end of the bargain. Not Dionysus; the god has class. Instead, he sought out Polymnos' grave and being the resourceful god that he is, plucked a branch from a nearby fig tree and carved it into the shape of a phallus. Then, he placed the woody joystick over the grave, pointing straight up to mighty Olympus and went to town. He rode that fig fuck-toy like a champion rodeo cowboy, thus carrying out his promise.

Yay Dionysus! Pretty cool, huh?

So, the moral of the story? Make a promise, keep a promise. Though, I feel I should offer a little cautionary note: I suggest everyone else stick to latex-based toys. I gather that unless you're an immortal with a divine and super resilient colon, fig branch dildos aren't the way to go.

The End.